When You’re Ready to Explode At Your Wife – 5 Things To Do Instead

We were on a college tour with my youngest daughter. Half way through the tour I find out that this school is part of a very Christian denomination that is very liberal. The longer the tour goes the madder I am getting. As we’re walking between buildings following the tour guide I’m say to Schawn (my wife), “Why are we touring such a liberal school? Did you know this before you set up this tour? I would rather have Eden (our daughter) go to a state school then this kind of school.”

All of those comments were not going well. By lunch time I was sharing with Eden my disapproval of the school which landed like a plane with no wings. By the end of the day, I was mad, Schawn was mad at me and Eden was crushed….she really liked the school.

Those kinds of days can be really hard. They can be really disheartening. They can really put a wedge between you and your wife. They can take a long to time rebuild trust over something like that.

What can we do to win with our wife on a day like this.

1.       Give her the benefit of the doubt.

When we give our wife the benefit of the doubt we assume she had a good intent. We assume she thought through things and was not careless. We assume she has the best interest of everyone involved. I should have assumed that Schawn had thought this through instead of assuming she had no idea it was a school that we would not agree with.  

2.       Wait to talk about it at an appropriate time.

If you really feel like you need to say something it’s important to wait for the right time. In the middle of the tour was not the right time for me to address my issues with Schawn. As much as I wanted to abandon ship right then and there, in the middle of the tour, that would not have been the right thing to do. Actually, I found out about 2 weeks later that the denomination of the school was not a liberal denomination. Rather it was another Christian denomination with a very similar name that was the liberal one. Either way, it would have been much better for me to have a calm conversation with Schawn later that evening away from Eden. It would have made for a much better day and I would not have had to go back and ask forgiveness from both of them a couple weeks later.

3.       Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.

A few years ago we were on our way to go downhill snow skiing. Schawn told me that she had packed everything we needed including my gloves. On the way there I asked her to get out my gloves and put the hand warmers into them so that they would be nice and warm when we got to the hill. That’s when I saw the gloves she brought for me. They were these thin, cheap dress gloves. It was about 10 degrees outside. I was very upset. I got very upset at her. That was wrong of me. I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I was making something very small into something very inflammatory and very hurtful to Schawn. I ended up buying a new pair of ski gloves at the ski shop at the ski hill. I could have avoided all the hurtful and angry interaction and still got the same solution.  

4.       Speak with gentleness and respect.

When the time is right and you do want to talk with your wife about the issue, do it with gentleness and respect. Your wife deserves that. She is your bride. She is your princess. She is God’s gift to you. It is never justified for us to be rude, harsh, condemning or demeaning to our wife.  The Bible says “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…” 1 Peter 3:7

5.       Avoid extremes.

Do not say “You always” or “You never.” Those kinds of extreme statements are very hurtful and also not true. We all get frustrated. We all wish there were things about our wife that were different but it will help nothing if you use extreme statements like these. Rather, talk specifically about the issue that came up and talk through that specific issue alone.

It’s easy to get frustrated with our wife but most the time it is not worth the argument. Calm down. Find the right time. Assume the best and avoid extremes and you will find your relationship with your wife is much better. You will also find that you have much more joy in your own life.